Christian Marital Abuse

by Irene Webster

A cloud, a cloud of spiritual confusion kept me bound, kept me immobile. My union with the man I married had placed me in shackles. I was hurt, confused, and emotionally bleeding from the verbal assaults, physical attacks, and lack of support. What had I done, I questioned? My response was, nothing. Then heal and deliver him Lord, I cried! Nothing changed. I tried submission but even that wasn’t working…in fact the angry manifestations only grew worse. Respect my husband?? While he raged at me?? Why did I keep trying to make a marriage work that wasn’t a true covenant in God’s eyes?

Gen 3:16 says, “Yet your desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over you.”

That’s why. Something supernatural happens when a man and a woman come together in a sexual union. They are now “one flesh” according to Genesis 2: 23 and now because of the original sin, woman cannot help but desire to be with her man despite his sometimes bad behavior and choices, and he is compelled to rule over her no matter what it takes to bring that about! How diametrically opposite to God’s original one flesh desire! It is like the demon possessed man that insanely cuts at his own flesh! Men that wound their wives are destroying themselves! How tragic! How deceptive. Why? Because we are no longer under the curse of Adam and Eve. A Christian man that rules his wife is under a great spiritual deception. The whole Word of God brings truth, not just portions of the Word. God’s Word calls them both to submit to one another and the husband to lay down his life for his bride like Christ did.

Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

So, how did I get free from this insane desire for my husband? For a long time I prayed that God would help me respect my husband as the Word of God says despite his terrible temper. Maybe respect and submission would bring him around eventually I believed. I sought professional Christian counseling begging him to go with no avail then counseled with our pastor but, again I heard the word, RESPECT, SUBMIT! How did this minister think submitting to abuse was acceptable? So without any further pastoral help or accountability for our failing marriage I called on God to help me survive this destructive relationship.

With the leading of the Holy Spirit, I began to research the scriptures for the true meaning of submission and what God really wants in a marriage. I needed God to show me if I was wrong in some way. I believed I knew what a Godly marriage looked like because I was previously happily married for 19 years to a God fearing and lovingly, honoring man who sadly passed away. As a widowed minister I knew what a good Christian marriage was, yet it wasn’t a perfect marriage. But one thing I did know, we learned to pray together, submitting to one another as we both learned to compromise. We covered each other’s shortcomings with loving forgiveness and mercy. We had a real covenant, each of us sharing the good with the bad. We chose to love one another no matter what.

Desiring to know God’s original intent for marriages, I again began to search the scriptures and found to my surprise I had some twisted understanding of what God’s intention for the relationship was to look like. Now the chains were weakened and began to fall off of me. I was blind but now I could see. I saw the truth. I am free from the curse and no longer bound to an unloving man! Finally I saw that a one sided covenant is not a covenant! Also, the word, submit although often used as a military word also had a non-military use, which was a “voluntary attitude of cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden.” In other words a wife had a choice to submit as her assignment from God. Submission was a free will act. Paul the apostle never meant that a husband had the right to force his will on his wife. Submission is a choice out of a desire to respect and honor another. Subjection is a choice. Now, I finally understood the truth about submission. The truth is God does not intend for anyone to submit to abuse. Period. I no longer needed out of fear of breaking God’s heart to submit to someone that did not choose to love me. God loved me too much to keep me bound to an angry, cruel person. Christ’s own death freed me from the curse, the punishment for sin. The scripture came clear to me suddenly,

“I hate him who cover his Garment (wife) with violence.” Matthew 2:16.

But what is violence?? And what does that entail? Strong’s concordance defines violence in Malachi 2:16 as wrong, unjust gain:-cruel (-ty), damage, false, injustice, oppressor, unrighteous, violence (against, done), violent (dealing), wrong.

So what does the English translation from Webster say violence is?

1. a: exertion of physical force so as to injure or abuse (as in warfare effecting illegal entry into a house)

b: an instance of violent treatment or procedure

2. Injury by or as if by distortion, infringement, or profanation: outrage

3. a: intense, turbulent, or furious and often destructive action or force

b: vehement feeling or expression: fervor; also: an instance of such action or feeling

c: a clashing or jarring quality: discordance

So, I want you to ask yourself today, has your spouse done any of these things to you? If he has, and you have tried everything you can by praying, forgiving, trying to communicate, keeping your heart right, respecting your husband, and receiving both professional and spiritual counsel, yet nothing has changed, then you need to ask if God would not have you endanger yourself and the lives of your children because of a one sided, ungodly, abusive commitment. In fact this is what the scripture speaks of as being unequally yoked and clearly, the Lord says this is wrong. However, this does not give women a license to run if she hasn’t tried everything she can, or if the man is truly repentant and trying to overcome his fleshly nature. No, in fact, often God calls Christian women (all Christians) to turn the other cheek, and even endure to the end if they believe God would have them to. There have been many such women throughout the ages that have stood their ground, believing God for their man to change and love them winning them by their quiet, respectful manner. However, when there is abuse, adultery, desertion, I believe that God is not in this relationship and that He does not expect you to endure violence, verbal assault, sexual assault, unfaithfulness, financial and physical neglect. I truly believe that you are free from this relationship if you have done all you can do and there is no obvious change. God will not condemn you! The scriptures can be misunderstood and bring a spirit of condemnation instead of discernment. Also, if you fear that getting a divorce will condemn you to hell

you are wrong. God wants you to live in peace and safety, feeling loved and honored. Love is God’s overriding message of His gift of Life through His Son, Jesus Christ. Life and life more abundantly!

So now it is your decision to choose to stay or leave. God knows your hurt and that if you truly pray for direction and seek Godly counsel you will find the direction you need to either stay or leave. But always remember, God set you free from Adam and Eve’s curse through Jesus’ final sacrifice by dying for your sins! You are not bound. Either way, stay or leave, know that you are free from condemnation in God’s eyes as long as you refrain from retaliating. You have been set free from the law of sin and death!

Romans 8:2 KJV For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.

In closing, God is calling His girls to come out of their prisons of deception. You have been set free from the curse. Jesus took the curse upon Himself so we could have life and life more abundantly! And a man who hurts his own flesh isn’t in a true covenantal marriage. True covenant requires give and take, compromise, forgiveness, sacrifice, honor…love.

So, in closing I feel God saying to all women who have experienced rejection, hurt and abuse from their spouses:

“Come out daughters and live again! You are free from condemnation. I love you and want you to live and love again, to be blessed and give with all your heart, receiving love in return! COME OUT OF DECEPTION!”